Sunday, April 06, 2008

Badass at the Bar: The Rules (and Suggestions)

Arrive alone. Do not make eye contact with anyone except the bartender. If the bartender is female, smile at her, but never smile at anybody else.

Order whiskey. But do not order "whiskey" -- order by name. For example, say to the bartender, "Maker's Mark." Order it neat. No water on the side. No soda within five feet of you.

Do not answer your cell phone. The ringer should be off. Do not check your PDA. Do not send text messages. Do not have a fake tan. Do not wear big ass gold rings or other jewelry. All of these things will make you look like a douche bag.

Do not talk to anybody but the bartender. You drink alone, with nobody else. And when you drink alone, you prefer to be by yourself. Also: George Thorogood is your idol, but he is your silent idol, living only in the back of your head, and you never quote him, sing him, or, worse, play him on the jukebox.

Of particular importance is to not talk to girls who are ten or more years younger than you. If such a girl initiates a conversation with you, you must finish your whiskey ("Maker's Mark") immediately, gently but firmly place the glass on the bar, slide (using the pinky and ring finger of your right hand) money in the direction of the bartender, stand up and leave.

However, if you see some jackhole flirting with girls ten or more years younger than him -- if, for example, you see him passing her his business card for her to write her number on it and then pass it BACK to him so he can be some creepy old fuck calling her the next night -- you are honor bound to cock-block him. Say, "You look like the kind of guy who likes piƱa coladas." Then buy around for him and his friends and the girl(s) he/they are hitting on. When the umbrella drinks show up, toast to "Makin' love at midnight," finish your whiskey ("Maker's Mark"), then get up and leave.

If the cock-blocked jackhole gets in your face, unzip your fly and show him your junk. Because no one is more badass at the bar than you.

2 comments:

Crumbolst said...

Nice piece of writing. I like it. I'll try it.

Jarrett said...

I think I recognize your style. Did you write for a college newspaper I might know?