You know why I don't want to date her?

Because she's got thin lips.

She's clever. Witty, even. Her lips say fun things. And she is otherwise pretty. So how unfair is it to give her these thin, non-inviting lips? My lips would like totally smother her lips. Her lips just aren't competitive in the juicy kissing arena. It's unfair. But it's also my biological imperative to seek out fuller and fleshier playgrounds.

Thus I am stalking the undercover security guard at the Rite Aid around the corner. I was in there to buy intimacy aids from the family planning section, which is arranged awkwardly right beneath the pharmacist's window. She was there as I rounded aisle corner, medium black and stuffed (stuffed) into bedazzled jeans. She was picking through the lubricants, reading the product details on a black and neon bottle of something called Wet.

I did not know she was the undercover security person for the store. I just needed condoms and had to maneuver around her to get them. Things were immediately awkward and intriguing. She did not shuffle away immediately, and hung around even as I had to reorganize the condom boxes in order to get the brand I was looking for.

We glanced at each other a few times. In retrospect, she was just wondering if I was a thief. I, however, was wondering if cosmic irony allowed one to ask out one girl while very obviously buying condoms to go have sex with another. I decided no and paid for my stuff.

That's when cosmic irony set off the alarms as I was leaving the store. She came rushing over and revealed herself as the security person. She asked to see my receipt and inside my bag and had to take out the box of condoms and and examine the security tag and began mumbling awkwardly about how those things never work right and thanks and sorry for the inconvenience, to which I responded, "No problem. See you tomorrow." And then I left, thinking, See you tomorrow? What?

So I went back the next day, caught her eye as she pretended to be a customer at the end of the greeting card aisle, and then conspicuously stuffed my pockets full of Happy Bat Mitzvah cards. I got out of the store scott free, and I don't even know any Jews of age for the cards. Tonight I am going back to steal something more useful, probably AstroGlide, in the hopes that this time she'll catch me.