Monday, May 08, 2006

Why the fuck aren't I moving to Hawaii?

My homepage has been set to show the weather in Hawaii ever since I spent a month there in 2002. Every fantasy life I concoct for myself is set in Hawaii. And whenever the weather on Long Island is beautiful I remind myself that in Hawaii the beauty isn't fleeting. In Hawaii I could ride my motorcycle pretty much 24/7. If I bought a jeep, I could leave the top off all year 'round. If I met a girl there, she would most likely look good in a bikini. Indeed, there is so much I like about Hawaii. So why the fuck aren't I aggressively working on moving there?

Money is one reason. Hawaii is very expensive and jobs there are sparse. When I was there, most people lived in impoverished neighborhoods and worked in tourism. Depressing as hell. But I'm aiming for school there, which means living on the beautiful UoH campus and (hopefully) getting financial aid. So money is mostly a bullshit reason for not going.

My second (and final) reason is also bullshit -- but it's very very very potent bullshit. I'm terrified of being lonely. I do not meet people or make friends easily; I'm solitary by nature, and a lot of the work I do, my projects, is best done solo. But at the same time, I need people around constantly. I'm desperate for socialization, desperate to know I can always find someone to entertain me at a moment's notice. There are not a lot of people in Hawaii, and, even at school, I don't anticipate many opportunities to meet people. Hell, I could barely meet people while living in NYC. Even out here on LI, I've got one reliable friend with whom I can spend time. Weekends are the worst. Without the structure of the workday and the time I'll get to spend with 9-year-olds, the weekends are nothing more than an exercise in killing hours.

Not to get all depressing about it, but instead to get back to the point, when I paint the picture that bleak, it seems like I've got nothing to lose by moving to Hawaii. But what I've got to lose is the last of my social support system. At least here there is somebody, but out there, there is nobody -- at least, there are no guarantees.

Still I try to convince myself that if I take the chance, things would workout for me out there. But it's hard to find the courage to do it, especially because if it doesn't workout, I have no more fallback positions once I'm 6000 miles away.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Way to live in fear and find yet another excuse to be a loser and complain about how you never got what you wanted it life...because there would be no one there to hold your hand when you got it.

tipsy said...

I wasn't going to respond, but I've got another pet peeve. Mean anonymous people. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A LOSER AT ALL. Not moving because you need to be connected is wonderful. If you go, you can always come back, so I'm not discouraging you from Hawaii. But I understand and sort of find myself in the same position often. I can't be without my support system and don't understand people who don't understand just that! I only know you through blogs.. and that whole "mutual thing," but you've got a friend here where ever you go. Just keep writing!

Steve Miller said...

Hmm...

I did a similar thing, once, years ago. I moved to Tempe, AZ and went to ASU for a semester. Rode my bike out there. Made friends. Had a swim in the pool every morning before class.

I didn't like it. For one thing, I learned that it can actually be too hot outside to ride a motorcycle. And I had to go a couple of hours out of town to find interesting roads.

There was another complication, being that I got back together with my girlfriend over the Summer before I went out there, so somehow I ended up in a long distance relationship with someone I didn't even like all that much. If I'd have dumped her ass, I probably would've had a lot more fun.

But the deeper thing is that I didn't like the culture out there. It's weird and hard to explain. Kind of like L.A. but more superficial, if that's possible. The big things to do there are drink, get a tan, and work out. I like to drink, but I like bars, not clubs. I burn through anything less than 50 SPF lotion. I can do with or without working out. I have a friend in Phoenix who is divorced and dates strippers. He wears nice clothes, gets his hair dyed, and shaves his chest.

Hawaii strikes me as sharing a big part of that party/club atmosphere. My guess is that I'd love it for a few weeks, but I couldn't live there long term. It all depends on whether you can move into that kind of life. I think you might get bored.

Mustapha Mond said...

Hawaii didn't seem very party-ish while I was there, but it is hard to tell from a "student-exchange" perspective. The social scene seemed very weird, actually. Tons of tourists and lots of college kids (mostly super ambitious Japanese students were there at the same time as me), but everyone comes under the influence of this totally chill, borderline do-nothing, Hawaiian lifestyle. On the one hand it seems like it'd be awesome. On other, it does seem like it'd be totally boring and lonely.

The weather, though, is absolutely gorgeous. I was there for a month and the only day that was less than perfect was the day we left because there was uncharacteristic rain. Other than that it rains for 15 to 30 minutes every afternoon, but afterward it's blue skies with surprisingly little humidity. You should absolutely go if you get the chance. You can rent a bike while you're there.

Steve Miller said...

BTW, I loved living in Monterey, CA. Very different from the L.A./Phoenix-type culture. I can definitely see you there or San Francisco.

I should go to Hawaii. But for now I go on two kinds of vacations: 1) haul the family to the beach in a minivan and 2) get my sister or mom to visit and help my wife with the kid(s) while I go on an extended motorcycle trip. So like a lot of things, it will have to wait a few years. Luckily, I have Summers off, so maybe it won't be so difficult. It's just hard for me, in the Summer, to think about anything but packing up my bike and hitting the road.

Then there's the bike tours of the Alps, New Zealand, etc. etc. Lots to do.

Hawaii might be an ideal vacation during Winter, eh?

jarrett said...

Hmmm.

Anonymous, you get the Ironical Award for 2006! Congratulations!

I agree with the good Dr Miller. I'm not sure the other side is much greener. Yes, the weather is nice. And you could bike every day. I was in H fr three months in 1994. We were there from late Dec - March, and it rained every day. And not just for a little while either. So my weather report is mixed.

And my vibe of the social scene is that there are tons, billions even, of tourists. We got sick of that in about two weeks and eventuallly skipped over them. Then we moved on to the locals of which there are two groups. The first, real, born-there Hawaiians who wanted nothing to do with us. The second, folks who moved there. So we felt sort of out of it the entire three months. And it could just be that we were feeling the usual distance from the locals that all Navy guys get, I don't know.

Why don't we get a 2 BR apt in Babylon? Go sailing all the time, ride your bike, have magical composting worms in the kitchen eating up the scraps of our intimate dining?

Mustapha, will you marry me?

Jarrett said...

Also, SD might be your speed too. Great weather. Lots of motorcyclers. Beach. Mountains. Book stores. Pretty good downtown. The list goes on, man, like the boardwalk full of bikini-clad women.

St. Augustine said...

“Men go abroad to wonder the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.”

Mustapha Mond said...

Jarrett: You had me at "Anonymous." ::swoons::

Steve Miller said...

San Diego pretty much has the best weather in the world. Everyone agrees on that, right? Mustapha and Jarrett should sail there. Man that would be a great trip. I could ride Mr. Mond's SV out there for him and then fly back on one of those big 'ol jet airliners.

Olman Feelyus said...

Carpe fucking diem, dude. While you are so busy protecting the few things that are precious to you, time is slowly eating away at all of them. Go live and create more precious things for yourself, real precious things like experiences, friendships, situations, character, memories. Do all this while you are still young. One day you will meet the right partner and then you won't have any more time to gain those treasures.

dsgran said...

Isn't the hardest part of the journey the first step? Go for it, man. And I'm not just saying that because I want to have someone to visit when I'm in Hawaii, or because I imagine that all my friends will be getting together and having a great time everyday that I'm away for the next two years.

Actually, those are some of the reasons.

But seriously:

I have to tell you, I am fucking scared about moving to china. New country, new language, new job. Leaving country, leaving friends, leaving family, leaving a secure job. At least once a day I think "WTF are you doing??", but at the same time, I know that i'd regret not going.

Um. I didn't mean for this to be about me.

The point is, I think, that you'll know if its right for you when you make the descion to go. As freaked out as I get, I know this is something that I want to do. I think once you decide in your mind that this is what you want to do, adn you set about doing it, you'll be fine (sometimes freaked, but fine).

Crumbolst said...

Mustapha: I vote for going to Hawaii.

Anonymous: Fuck you, coward.

tw said...

True, SD is really sweet. Going there this summer!

Looks to me like you got a hell of a support system. I think you'll be fine wherever you go.

Mustapha Mond said...

You guys are all sweet as pie -- pumpkin pie, which isn't actually very sweet, but it is my favorite.

I will be conducting deep emotional spelunking expeditions based on what you've all said.